Understanding Abusive and Violent Relationships
Vulnerability, Patterns, and Personality Types
Abusive and violent relationships impact people across all demographics. However, due to the fact that so many people who are in abusive relationships feel ashamed or fearful hide the fact from friends and family, it can be very difficult to notice who is and who is not, in an abusive relationship.
An abusive relationship is characterized by a pattern of behavior in which one person seeks to exert power and control over their partner through physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial abuse. Understanding how such relationships begin, who is most vulnerable, how they progress, and the common traits of abusive individuals is crucial for prevention, support, and recovery.
Who Is Vulnerable to Being in an Abusive Relationship?
Many people think, "This will never happen to me" But contrary to popular belief, anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, or cultural background.
However, certain factors do play a role in a person’s vulnerability:
Past Trauma or Abuse:
If you have experienced childhood abuse/violence (or even witnessing violence and abuse in a family situation), or abuse in past relationships, you could be more vulnerable because you have a higher tolerance for abusive behavior. The human mind is very good at adapting to different situations to survive, and after a while, abuse and trauma begin to feel ‘normal.’
In addition, the drama and the highs and lows of abuse/violence can become very addictive. Life without the abuse can feel dull, boring and empty. Whereas life, when you’re in an abusive situation, can feel exciting and intoxicating, as if you are playing some vital role, or are engaged in something very important… But this is purely because of the spikes of adrenaline and cortisol which flow through your body while you are being abused or violated.
So, this intoxicating form of excitement and feeling vital and alive, is an illusion - and a dangerous one. It is not a true or valid state of being. In fact, it is the very opposite.
The truth is that any form of addition - including an addiction to abuse/violence/adrenaline/cortisol, is a slow death of the self - a journey of misery, tragedy and heartbreak. Nothing good can come of it.
Low Self-Esteem and Confidence:
If you suffer from lack of confidence and low self-worth or feel you do not deserve a good relationship - because you are not smart enough / pretty enough / rich enough / educated enough / or generally just not enough - you are far more likely to stay in an abusive relationship. This can be fuelled by a feeling that you are ‘lucky’ to have someone who is interested in you. You could find yourself thinking that it’s better to be in any relationship, even an abusive or violent relationship, than to be alone.
This can be driven by a desperate need for love and attention - at any cost. In this case, you are seeking to find someone who can make you feel good about yourself, when the only true way to feel good about yourself is to get therapy and address the issues which cause your lack of self-worth. Self-worth comes from the inside - not the outside, and no one can ‘make’ you feel good about yourself.
Dependence:
If you are battling financially, or are lonely, or have recently immigrated or moved to a new city or neighborhood - this can make you vulnerable to being exploited and trapped by an abuser. A predator will often target people who are vulnerable because they are easier to control. Often this is escalated by a lack of support from family or friends, or because you have made some bad financial decisions (such as getting into debt), or don’t have a good education or job, or have made other bad life decisions (such as taking drugs or becoming dependent on alcohol), which can leave you feeling vulnerable and frightened.
Young Age:
Teenagers and young adults can be very vulnerable, especially those who come from dysfunctional or abusive/violent family backgrounds. Part of the reason is due to their lack of life experience - they are often not able to recognize early warning signs of danger and abuse.
LGBTQ+ Individuals:
If you are LGBTQ+ you could be an easy target and more vulnerable to additional layers of abuse, such as threats of being outed or being denied access to support systems.
Cultural or Religious Beliefs:
In some cultures, or religious contexts, beliefs about gender roles or marital obligations can contribute to people feeling that they have no choice. If this is you, you may feel forced to remain in an abusive situation due to family pressure or social/cultural/religious beliefs - such as ‘a woman must submit to a man’ or ‘the man is the boss of the house.’
So How Do Abusive Relationships Start?
Abuse rarely starts with violence. Instead, an abuser will try to 'trick' his/her victim into making them feel really special and desired. The abuser will do everything in their power to make their victim fall in love with them, by showering them with compliments, gifts, love and support, and pretending to be their 'ideal partner’. This is called "love bombing".
In addition, due to the fact that an abuser is unable to maintain the pretense indefinitely, they may apply pressure to commit to a relationship as quickly as possible.
But it's a trap.
Because once the victim is emotionally attached, the abuser begins to exert more and more control through more subtle behaviors such as jealousy, possessiveness, and isolating the victim from their friends and family. These red flags may be disguised as signs of love, support or concern.
Gradually, the behavior escalates into verbal insults, manipulation, and eventually physical or sexual violence. Because the shift is gradual, victims often don’t realize the full extent of the abuse until they are deeply entangled.
This cycle of abuse typically follows a predictable pattern known as the Cycle of Abuse:
1. Tension Building: The abuser becomes increasingly irritable, controlling, or verbally aggressive.
- Incident of Abuse: Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse occurs and escalates.
- Reconciliation: The abuser apologizes, makes excuses, or offers gifts to make up for the incident.
- Calm ("Honeymoon Phase"): A temporary period of relative peace and affection that reinforces the victim's hope that the abuser has changed. But over time, the honeymoon phase may disappear altogether, leaving only the tension, abuse and violence...
How Abusive Relationships Play Out
The longer an abusive relationship continues, the more difficult it becomes for the victim to leave. Abuse can escalate in severity and in frequency. Victims may feel trapped by fear, shame, fear or the hope that the abuser will change. Abusers also commonly shift the blame to the victim, making them believe that they are to blame for the abuse.
Continued emotional and psychological abuse often destroys a victim’s sense of reality and self-worth. Gaslighting—a form of manipulation where the abuser makes the victim doubt their perceptions—is a common tactic. Over time, victims may feel incapable of making decisions without the abuser’s approval.
Physical abuse can range from slapping and pushing to life-threatening assaults, such as strangling, beating, and cutting. Often, abusers control when or if the victim seeks medical help, contributing to long-term physical and psychological harm and control.
Sexual abuse, such as rape or torture may occur within the relationship through coercion, manipulation, or outright assault. Many victims are unaware that sexual violence can occur within a committed partnership.
Financial abuse includes controlling the victim’s access to money, sabotaging their employment, or accruing debt in their name, thus making it difficult for the victim to gain independence.
Children who witness abuse may also suffer from emotional trauma, anxiety, and behavioral problems, and they may later replicate these behaviors in their own relationships.
Abusive Personality Types
While anyone can be abusive, certain personality traits and disorders are more commonly associated with abusers. It is important to note that having one of these traits does not guarantee someone will be abusive, but patterns often emerge.
- Narcissistic Personality: Narcissists often exhibit grand displays of showing off and have a need to be admired. They lack empathy, and have an intense need for control. They may feel entitled to dominate their partner and react with rage when challenged.
- Borderline Personality: Some individuals with borderline personality disorder may show extreme emotional instability and intense fear of abandonment, leading to manipulative or controlling behavior in relationships, such as jealousy, accusing, control and insecurity.
- Antisocial Personality (Sociopathy): People with antisocial tendencies may display charm, deceit, and a complete lack of remorse. They may engage in violent or exploitative behavior without guilt, as they think they are above the law.
- Controlling/Authoritarian: These individuals believe in strict control and often adhere to rigid gender roles. They may see their partner as property and feel justified in using violence to maintain power.
- Substance Abusers: While substance use doesn’t cause abuse, it can intensify existing abusive behavior by lowering inhibitions and increasing explosive episodes of anger and/or violence.
- Jealous and Insecure Types: Intense jealousy, even without cause, often leads to stalking, surveillance, and accusations, which can spiral into threats or violence.
Further Tactics
Abusers may use denial, minimization, and shifting the blame to avoid responsibility for their actions. They can appear to be extremely charming and respectable to the outside world and can even be admired and respected by others - which can make it difficult for the victim to speak up. Outsiders may have difficulty recognizing the abuse or believing the victim, which further amplifies the helplessness of the victim and the control of the abuser.
Breaking Free and Finding Help
Escaping an abusive relationship is complex and dangerous. The risk of serious harm often increases when a victim tries to leave. That’s why safety planning is critical. This may involve discreetly saving money, documenting abuse for proof of the abuse, finding a safe place to go, and seeking support from professionals and trusted friends or family.
There are many resources available, including:
- Therapy and counseling for trauma recovery - including hypnotherapy, which is very effective for overcoming the abuse and trauma, regaining control of your life, reconnecting to self-confidence, becoming self-empowered, feeling safe and secure, and transforming your life into a place of peace and tranquility.
- National and local domestic violence hotlines - such as SADAG or LIFELINE
- Shelters and advocacy organizations
- Legal assistance for restraining orders or custody issues
Education is also vital in preventing abuse. Teaching people—especially youth—about healthy relationships, consent, boundaries, and red flags can help break the cycle of abuse.
Conclusion
Abusive and violent relationships are deeply harmful but often hidden from outsiders due to shame, fear, threats, manipulation or guilt. Understanding who is vulnerable, how these relationships begin and evolve, and the psychological profiles of abusers can help individuals recognize danger and seek help sooner.
While leaving an abusive relationship is challenging, it is possible, especially with the right support and resources.
Building awareness and promoting healthy, respectful connections are crucial steps in creating a safer society for all.
